The High Holy days of the Roman Catholic
religion are always meaningful to me. Maybe more so this year with the passing
of a wonderful friend, brother…a person with whom I shared only good times…and
love…So this is Holy Thursday…the day of the Last Supper of Christ after which
he is betrayed by Judas. This is the first Easter since mom died.
I discovered my soul
Don’t know where don’t know when
Somewhere in my past
Just round the bend
So much on a red
Wheel barrow depends
Glazed with rain water
Gleaming
When you touch my hand
The sky opens up
And the stars move so fast
They are streaming
My heart fills with love
I just want to share...
Oh, the time
Has come for dreaming...
Good Friday...a day of reflection and fasting...
I can’t help but think of Tom Johnson,
my mom and dad…they have gone but will not be forgotten. I have been running
the racket that I am a toxic person and that is why I can’t go back to the “old
gang.” There are so many old gangs I have abandoned in my life. Some for their
own good, some for mine.
Tom’s death has poked something in me.
We have not been close since high school. After his sister, Lynn, and I broke
up, I can’t remember much contact with him at all. We went separate ways. I
think it was all for the best. My drama was toxic for people trying to be good
people. Struggling with their own demons, they didn't need my brand of superior
dysfunction, my gaping hole of want and need, my crazy, unrepressed selfishness.
My inability to give, truly give of myself only complicated what was an already
complicated time in all our lives.
Tom Johnson taught me how to drive in
his mother’s car. We drove that shit brown Dodge Dart up and down Watchouge
Road. He took me, in that car, to take my driver’s test in Port Richmond. They
threw me a surprise 17th birthday party. The only one I’d ever had in my life. When
I had fallen from grace, for my 18th birthday, we went to the
movies…me, Tom and Kaz went to see Midway. It was the lamest birthday
ever. It was perfect.
Maybe I am remembering the past through
Rose-colored glasses (pardon the pun Mom), but even though Tom could be an
intimidating presence, I felt he always loved me.
I spent many joyful hours with the
Johnson’s. I practically lived there for a while. There were members of the clan
who weren't overly fond of me or of my relationship with Lynn. But not Tom. He was able to remain loyal to his family, watch out for their best interests, and
not vilify me.
Whatever is good in me…that family helped
foster. My love of M*A*S*H came from the evening ritual of watching it as a
family. I remember my dates with Lynn, we went to movies like Roller
Ball with James Cann, and The Who’s Tommy. On the 3rd
of July 1975, we all went to a drive-in and saw Jaws. There’s a line in
that film where the mayor of Amity exclaims, “Tomorrow is the Fourth of July,”
and we just howled with delight.
Whatever love I can share now, whatever
good I am capable of doing, that relationship, my relationship with the Johnson
family, helped enable and reinforce the possibility that there was something
positive I had to offer the world. I look back at all the good times, and think
of the stupid things I did with a smile. Now, I can only imagine what a reunion
would have been like.
The boat that was sinking
landed on your shore
Oh, the time
Has come for redeeming...
